Amber - Alone with Bikram

I am not sure how to truly describe how I'm feeling. I guess the feeling is pretty simple. I feel alone. For the first time in my life, I feel the one thing I've been most afraid of my entire life. While I know that the changes I have made in my life will only lead to a better version of me, this has forced me to self-reflect more than I ever have before. It has always been a central focus of mine to feel acceptance. For the first time in my life, I feel a greater resentment towards the things I do than ever before. If I would reflect on my weekend you would see I was never physically alone. I think I spent a total of 3 hours without anyone else all weekend. I just feel so disconnected. I imagine any recovering addict may share in some of these feelings. Although I am not sure that I would classify myself as an alcoholic or anything else, alcohol is a social crutch. Alcohol is an excuse to go out, to socialize, to stay in a bar, to gain confidence, etc...

Just yesterday, Karen and I had a repeat of the wonderful day we had just a few weeks ago. We went to yoga in the morning. Then we had lunch and sat outside to enjoy it. We went shopping - or rather - Karen went shopping and I just suggested that she buy everything she tried on. While we were driving, she said "I kinda miss you drinking." We laughed about how the day probably would have went if I were still drinking. We probably would have still gone to yoga and then ended up at Coastal Flats or Sweetwater sitting outside. We would have started at noon and the next thing we would know we would be drunk at 8 pm still there. We would have met nearly everyone at the bar. It would have been a good time. Then when it came to leaving, we would have gotten into our individual cars and both have driven. The choice I made to quit drinking was for my health - but how much longer could I have kept up that lifestyle without hurting myself or possibly someone else.

Bikram has become my crutch. I wish it were a little more social, but I think that probably comes in time. I think as time goes on I will feel less alone because I will start to meet more people that share my same wants and desires. People gravitate to people like themselves. Mothers spend more time with other mothers. Couples spend more time with other couples. Drinkers spend more time with other drinkers. It is only natural to spend more time with people you share a common bond with. Right now, I am alone.