I am not sure how to truly describe how I'm feeling. I guess the feeling is pretty simple. I feel alone. For the first time in my life, I feel the one thing I've been most afraid of my entire life. While I know that the changes I have made in my life will only lead to a better version of me, this has forced me to self-reflect more than I ever have before. It has always been a central focus of mine to feel acceptance. For the first time in my life, I feel a greater resentment towards the things I do than ever before. If I would reflect on my weekend you would see I was never physically alone. I think I spent a total of 3 hours without anyone else all weekend. I just feel so disconnected. I imagine any recovering addict may share in some of these feelings. Although I am not sure that I would classify myself as an alcoholic or anything else, alcohol is a social crutch. Alcohol is an excuse to go out, to socialize, to stay in a bar, to gain confidence, etc...
Just yesterday, Karen and I had a repeat of the wonderful day we had just a few weeks ago. We went to yoga in the morning. Then we had lunch and sat outside to enjoy it. We went shopping - or rather - Karen went shopping and I just suggested that she buy everything she tried on. While we were driving, she said "I kinda miss you drinking." We laughed about how the day probably would have went if I were still drinking. We probably would have still gone to yoga and then ended up at Coastal Flats or Sweetwater sitting outside. We would have started at noon and the next thing we would know we would be drunk at 8 pm still there. We would have met nearly everyone at the bar. It would have been a good time. Then when it came to leaving, we would have gotten into our individual cars and both have driven. The choice I made to quit drinking was for my health - but how much longer could I have kept up that lifestyle without hurting myself or possibly someone else.
Bikram has become my crutch. I wish it were a little more social, but I think that probably comes in time. I think as time goes on I will feel less alone because I will start to meet more people that share my same wants and desires. People gravitate to people like themselves. Mothers spend more time with other mothers. Couples spend more time with other couples. Drinkers spend more time with other drinkers. It is only natural to spend more time with people you share a common bond with. Right now, I am alone.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Amber - Bikram Twice in a Day - is she nuts!
Well, this week has already shaped up much better than last week. I went Sunday and Monday as normal. I decided to try out doing a double on Tuesday. What I mean is, I went at 6 am and 6 pm on Tuesday. On Wednesday I was back in there at 5:30 am. Basically, Monday through Wednesday I went every 12 hours. So here I sit on Thursday and I'm taking the day off! I already have 5 classes in this week, so it's ok. This of course doesn't mean that I won't do anything... I think a nice long walk is in order. After all, it is in the mid-seventies today. It is sunny and it is good for the dogs!
So, there have been some concerns expressed about how healthy it is to do 2 classes in a day. Well, I can't answer that question. It is accepted though in the Bikram community. In fact, during any retreat or teacher training 2 classes are done daily and mandatory. There are many students at my studio that go twice a day a few times a week. With that said, I feel that it is ok to do for me once a week.
As for the way I feel, well that is a completely different story. I have soreness like when I started. I can only assume that some of that will regulate as I become used to increasing my schedule. It is nice that my body is reacting to the change. As for my ability in class, well that will take more than just one week of extra classes to show the difference. It only seems natural that it would expedite my improvement. More practice can only lead to better execution.
To keep it simple - work hard, look for more challenge, and rewards will await.
So, there have been some concerns expressed about how healthy it is to do 2 classes in a day. Well, I can't answer that question. It is accepted though in the Bikram community. In fact, during any retreat or teacher training 2 classes are done daily and mandatory. There are many students at my studio that go twice a day a few times a week. With that said, I feel that it is ok to do for me once a week.
As for the way I feel, well that is a completely different story. I have soreness like when I started. I can only assume that some of that will regulate as I become used to increasing my schedule. It is nice that my body is reacting to the change. As for my ability in class, well that will take more than just one week of extra classes to show the difference. It only seems natural that it would expedite my improvement. More practice can only lead to better execution.
To keep it simple - work hard, look for more challenge, and rewards will await.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Amber - Celebrating 2 months
I never thought when I started this that I would make it 60 days. They say it takes 32 times to create a habit, or something like that. I have to say this is the most positive habit I have created. Quitting smoking of course is difficult. I can't remember the last time I was able to quit for 60 days without cheating even once. I think that is what makes this time different. The fact that I quit drinking helps too. In the past the times I cheated, which eventually led me to start again, had alcohol involved. They do seem to go together quite well. The biggest thing that I never expected to do for 60 days was Bikram.
How in the world can you fit 90 minutes into an already busy schedule? Initially my social life took a back seat. Naturally my social life would take a back seat when quitting the other two things anyway. So, for the first month it was just about getting used to the change. It was all about the "replacement." The second month was about normalizing. Going out on weekends. Trying different things. It is not easy to do anything for 90 minutes a day. No one said a lifestyle change is easy.
A few weeks ago, I started a journal at home. I write in it nightly. It is very simple. I don't write stories. I don't write anything that takes a lot of time. I just write 3 things I am grateful for, 3 things I will accomplish in my life, and 3 things I accomplished today. It remains positive. I will only look back on this journal and remember positive things about each day. Often we dwell on the negative parts, but that only creates a negative mood. I am certainly guilty of that. To that point, if you only focus on the negative aspects of change, you will not achieve your goal. If I focused only on the fact that it is 90 minutes, in a room that is hot as hell, and that when I'm done I look like a drowned rat - I probably wouldn't be sitting here writing this blog 60 days later. Instead I focus on the way it makes me feel, the way it makes me look, the way it makes me think, and the way it has changed my life.
I think often we find reason, or excuses, why we can't do something. This could be as small as logging calls at work (which only take about a minute to do.) It could be as big as losing a few pounds to be out of risk for any number of things. Do a personal survey. Look at your health, your spirituality, your body, your finances, etc. What needs to be changed and how do you get there? I did everything at once, but that is how I had to do it. Even if you do one step to achieving your ultimate goal - you are in the right direction. Once that becomes a habit, you can do another step, etc... This is how you find ways to do something versus excuses to not do anything. Just don't give up and 60 days from now - be sure to celebrate! Even small achievements deserve recognition. The recognition has to start from you. Announce what you have done. Even one congratulations feels great!
How in the world can you fit 90 minutes into an already busy schedule? Initially my social life took a back seat. Naturally my social life would take a back seat when quitting the other two things anyway. So, for the first month it was just about getting used to the change. It was all about the "replacement." The second month was about normalizing. Going out on weekends. Trying different things. It is not easy to do anything for 90 minutes a day. No one said a lifestyle change is easy.
A few weeks ago, I started a journal at home. I write in it nightly. It is very simple. I don't write stories. I don't write anything that takes a lot of time. I just write 3 things I am grateful for, 3 things I will accomplish in my life, and 3 things I accomplished today. It remains positive. I will only look back on this journal and remember positive things about each day. Often we dwell on the negative parts, but that only creates a negative mood. I am certainly guilty of that. To that point, if you only focus on the negative aspects of change, you will not achieve your goal. If I focused only on the fact that it is 90 minutes, in a room that is hot as hell, and that when I'm done I look like a drowned rat - I probably wouldn't be sitting here writing this blog 60 days later. Instead I focus on the way it makes me feel, the way it makes me look, the way it makes me think, and the way it has changed my life.
I think often we find reason, or excuses, why we can't do something. This could be as small as logging calls at work (which only take about a minute to do.) It could be as big as losing a few pounds to be out of risk for any number of things. Do a personal survey. Look at your health, your spirituality, your body, your finances, etc. What needs to be changed and how do you get there? I did everything at once, but that is how I had to do it. Even if you do one step to achieving your ultimate goal - you are in the right direction. Once that becomes a habit, you can do another step, etc... This is how you find ways to do something versus excuses to not do anything. Just don't give up and 60 days from now - be sure to celebrate! Even small achievements deserve recognition. The recognition has to start from you. Announce what you have done. Even one congratulations feels great!
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Amber - Back on the Saddle
I'm back! It's hard to force a routine back into place. Consequently, I was awake until about midnight last night. When the alarm went off at 4:15 am, I was far from pleased. I reluctantly got out of bed and walked the dogs as normal. I got changed. I went to the dryer only to discover that my clothes were STILL wet after the third time trying to dry them. (the apartment complex will be fixing that) I found alternative clothing, finished packing my bag, and went on to yoga.
Taking these days off yoga may not have been a bad thing. Maybe taking five days off was not the best idea, but a few days is good. I walked in with a new refreshed outlook and determination. I went deeper into the half-moon. I concentrated harder on each and every move almost like it was new again. I did struggle with maintaining balance, but I'll be back again tomorrow and the day after, and the day after that... improvement will be seen.
For today, I just ask you to remember the families affected in the VT shootings of a year ago today. I will not share any words of wisdom or insight as I still have the most important gift, and that is life.
Taking these days off yoga may not have been a bad thing. Maybe taking five days off was not the best idea, but a few days is good. I walked in with a new refreshed outlook and determination. I went deeper into the half-moon. I concentrated harder on each and every move almost like it was new again. I did struggle with maintaining balance, but I'll be back again tomorrow and the day after, and the day after that... improvement will be seen.
For today, I just ask you to remember the families affected in the VT shootings of a year ago today. I will not share any words of wisdom or insight as I still have the most important gift, and that is life.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Amber - The Reasons for Change
This will have nothing to do with Bikram. I haven't been in 5 days and I feel terrible about it. I could make excuses, but that's just what they are - an excuse.
I find that I have to constantly remind myself WHY I'm making the changes. I know that my friends often forget, too. I did not quit drinking to be anti-social and I don't mind going out and not drinking. I quit drinking because I have a fatty liver. As I explained in an earlier blog, a fatty liver has two main causes, drinking and obesity. Well, I can't fix being obese overnight, but I can abstain from drinking. Now, having a fatty liver will not kill you. A fatty liver is reversible. If you had a fatty liver, why wouldn't you do what you could to fix it? I think it would be irresponsible to care so little for yourself to not change the things you can. A fatty liver can lead to cirrhosis. For those that don't know what that is - it is scar tissue build up in the liver. This CAN NOT be reversed. As it progresses, the only cure is transplant. Getting a transplant is something people wait YEARS for and some never see the day.
I go back to my original point, I have to fix the things I can control. It is far from nice to hear how I am not any fun anymore. Why not go out and do things that aren't sitting in a bar? Bowling, Put-Put, Dinner, Movies, etc... I quit drinking to continue living.
I talked about Kiki, my friend's sister, battling Leukemia. I have posted a link to her blog which you will see just to the right. She is back in the hospital undergoing another round of chemo. This is something that she has, through no fault of her own. Cancer does not discriminate - so please keep her in your prayers.
Sunday, I plan to do a DC tour - meaning walk around and check out the museums and such. When was the last time you went on a field trip? Want to come with me?
The infamous AA prayer as it's now coined is so appropriate for this... I wear it around my neck and have for the past 6 years. It is a reminder of how to approach a day, a week, a month, a moment...
I find that I have to constantly remind myself WHY I'm making the changes. I know that my friends often forget, too. I did not quit drinking to be anti-social and I don't mind going out and not drinking. I quit drinking because I have a fatty liver. As I explained in an earlier blog, a fatty liver has two main causes, drinking and obesity. Well, I can't fix being obese overnight, but I can abstain from drinking. Now, having a fatty liver will not kill you. A fatty liver is reversible. If you had a fatty liver, why wouldn't you do what you could to fix it? I think it would be irresponsible to care so little for yourself to not change the things you can. A fatty liver can lead to cirrhosis. For those that don't know what that is - it is scar tissue build up in the liver. This CAN NOT be reversed. As it progresses, the only cure is transplant. Getting a transplant is something people wait YEARS for and some never see the day.
I go back to my original point, I have to fix the things I can control. It is far from nice to hear how I am not any fun anymore. Why not go out and do things that aren't sitting in a bar? Bowling, Put-Put, Dinner, Movies, etc... I quit drinking to continue living.
I talked about Kiki, my friend's sister, battling Leukemia. I have posted a link to her blog which you will see just to the right. She is back in the hospital undergoing another round of chemo. This is something that she has, through no fault of her own. Cancer does not discriminate - so please keep her in your prayers.
Sunday, I plan to do a DC tour - meaning walk around and check out the museums and such. When was the last time you went on a field trip? Want to come with me?
The infamous AA prayer as it's now coined is so appropriate for this... I wear it around my neck and have for the past 6 years. It is a reminder of how to approach a day, a week, a month, a moment...
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference
AMEN
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Amber - Bikram will help you to Believe
I'm not sure if I can ever describe what inspires me. I don't think inspiration can be wrapped in a box. It is not something that is the same for everyone. It happens when your heart and mind are ready. Dictionary.com defines inspiration as divine guidance or influence exerted directly on the mind and soul of humankind.
As many of you know, one of my lifelong friend's sister was diagnosed with Leukemia last year. She went through one round of chemo. Paul was a bone marrow match and they were able to do a bone marrow transplant. Everything was looking up. Just a few months later, she relapsed. She went through a second round of chemo. The family has remained strong and supportive. Everyday they are in my thoughts and prayers. The miracle is, today she is cancer free for about three weeks!
While the family was going through this, I felt a bit helpless. You can't really do anything other than offer your prayers. I contacted the local Leukemia Society chapter and started a team in her honor about two months ago. The walk is in October in Reston, VA. I would love for any of you to walk with us. Please click here to join or donate. She is an inspiration...
Inspiration comes in all shapes and sizes. Today started as any normal Saturday would. I woke up, I walked the dogs, and I laid right back down on the couch. I got up an hour later and packed a bag for yoga. Today was a bit different because Karen and I had plans after. Yoga was great as always. There were about five new students in the class. I felt great! After I showered and got changed. I didn't want to offend anyone while I was out and about. (mind you, after yoga - you rarely actually smell. It is a different sweat.)
Karen and I decided on Whole Foods for lunch. I made this glorious salad with lettuce, feta cheese, pineapple, honey dew and cantaloupe, sunflower seeds and a balsamic vinaigrette. As I have mentioned before - I crave fruit when I finish class. Not just any fruit... the juicier the better. We then went to Michaels. We walked around for about 45 minutes or so and bought nothing. Then we went to Ann Taylor Loft. We walked around there for awhile and pretty much bought nothing (except these super cute sunglasses!) Then we were going to go to Starbucks, but I decided I wanted to make a pit stop at the book store. Anyone who knows me would tell you that "Amber doesn't read." Well, something changed that day in February. Amber does read. Every day in fact. So, I bought two things. I really want to read "Beautiful Boy" by David Sheff. Probably my most important purchase was a journal. I have written about doing daily reflections to improve outlook or writing down something you learn for the day. The problem is, I don't do it myself. I believe that looking back on the day and pulling out the good parts and writing about what I am grateful for, I can change my thought. I began reflecting at that point. So, Karen and I went to Starbucks. We sat outside and just talked. We talked about everything. We looked through a cook book she bought and salivated over the food. We talked about going to Rome. We talked about yoga and the changes it has brought about.
I woke up one morning in February and have not been the same since. I have a new outlook on life. I do not dwell on things I can not change and I change the things I can. I have learned that memories are more important than things. I have no problem spending $4.25 on a cup of coffee that turned into a memory of a time I shared with a friend. There was nothing more perfect in the day than that hour.
In the book, "The Secret," the main theme is the power of attraction. I know that when I have the moments like I had today, I can radiate happiness from my core to everyone around me. The day I met Steve, I was on top of the world. He always talked about my love of life. It may have taken a few years to find that love - but I did. My love of life has manifested into more. My love of life starts with having love and hope in my heart. My love of life grows through my friends and family. Kathryn best described me as being in love with love. I am in love with love. When you have days like today - share them. The worst thing that can happen is you may brighten someone else's day. You never realize just who is going to notice. After about an hour in Target, Karen and I were checking out. The cashier turned to us and said, "You seem very happy. I wish you nothing but happiness the rest of your days." It goes back to the power of attraction and how just a smile on your face never goes unnoticed.
If you don't believe me... Everyone has a story of someone they know, that when you first met them were not the most physically attractive, but as time went on you only noticed their best qualities. Chances are, they were happy and they made you feel good being around them. It was their personality that changed your view.
Yoga works on changing you from the inside out. You do this through the same things I preach about weekly, determination, passion, commitment, endurance... etc... As you are able to change your outlook and your thoughts, you become a magnet for happiness. You will become surrounded by happy people. Those who are negative will either be inspired by you or turn away from you. Henry Ford said, "Whether You Believe You Can, Or You Can't, You Are Right" Believe in yourself. Kiki and her family believed in the treatment and it is proving to be right. Believe in your change, whatever you want it to be... and you will be right.
As many of you know, one of my lifelong friend's sister was diagnosed with Leukemia last year. She went through one round of chemo. Paul was a bone marrow match and they were able to do a bone marrow transplant. Everything was looking up. Just a few months later, she relapsed. She went through a second round of chemo. The family has remained strong and supportive. Everyday they are in my thoughts and prayers. The miracle is, today she is cancer free for about three weeks!
While the family was going through this, I felt a bit helpless. You can't really do anything other than offer your prayers. I contacted the local Leukemia Society chapter and started a team in her honor about two months ago. The walk is in October in Reston, VA. I would love for any of you to walk with us. Please click here to join or donate. She is an inspiration...
Inspiration comes in all shapes and sizes. Today started as any normal Saturday would. I woke up, I walked the dogs, and I laid right back down on the couch. I got up an hour later and packed a bag for yoga. Today was a bit different because Karen and I had plans after. Yoga was great as always. There were about five new students in the class. I felt great! After I showered and got changed. I didn't want to offend anyone while I was out and about. (mind you, after yoga - you rarely actually smell. It is a different sweat.)
Karen and I decided on Whole Foods for lunch. I made this glorious salad with lettuce, feta cheese, pineapple, honey dew and cantaloupe, sunflower seeds and a balsamic vinaigrette. As I have mentioned before - I crave fruit when I finish class. Not just any fruit... the juicier the better. We then went to Michaels. We walked around for about 45 minutes or so and bought nothing. Then we went to Ann Taylor Loft. We walked around there for awhile and pretty much bought nothing (except these super cute sunglasses!) Then we were going to go to Starbucks, but I decided I wanted to make a pit stop at the book store. Anyone who knows me would tell you that "Amber doesn't read." Well, something changed that day in February. Amber does read. Every day in fact. So, I bought two things. I really want to read "Beautiful Boy" by David Sheff. Probably my most important purchase was a journal. I have written about doing daily reflections to improve outlook or writing down something you learn for the day. The problem is, I don't do it myself. I believe that looking back on the day and pulling out the good parts and writing about what I am grateful for, I can change my thought. I began reflecting at that point. So, Karen and I went to Starbucks. We sat outside and just talked. We talked about everything. We looked through a cook book she bought and salivated over the food. We talked about going to Rome. We talked about yoga and the changes it has brought about.
I woke up one morning in February and have not been the same since. I have a new outlook on life. I do not dwell on things I can not change and I change the things I can. I have learned that memories are more important than things. I have no problem spending $4.25 on a cup of coffee that turned into a memory of a time I shared with a friend. There was nothing more perfect in the day than that hour.
In the book, "The Secret," the main theme is the power of attraction. I know that when I have the moments like I had today, I can radiate happiness from my core to everyone around me. The day I met Steve, I was on top of the world. He always talked about my love of life. It may have taken a few years to find that love - but I did. My love of life has manifested into more. My love of life starts with having love and hope in my heart. My love of life grows through my friends and family. Kathryn best described me as being in love with love. I am in love with love. When you have days like today - share them. The worst thing that can happen is you may brighten someone else's day. You never realize just who is going to notice. After about an hour in Target, Karen and I were checking out. The cashier turned to us and said, "You seem very happy. I wish you nothing but happiness the rest of your days." It goes back to the power of attraction and how just a smile on your face never goes unnoticed.
If you don't believe me... Everyone has a story of someone they know, that when you first met them were not the most physically attractive, but as time went on you only noticed their best qualities. Chances are, they were happy and they made you feel good being around them. It was their personality that changed your view.
Yoga works on changing you from the inside out. You do this through the same things I preach about weekly, determination, passion, commitment, endurance... etc... As you are able to change your outlook and your thoughts, you become a magnet for happiness. You will become surrounded by happy people. Those who are negative will either be inspired by you or turn away from you. Henry Ford said, "Whether You Believe You Can, Or You Can't, You Are Right" Believe in yourself. Kiki and her family believed in the treatment and it is proving to be right. Believe in your change, whatever you want it to be... and you will be right.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Amber - Bikram is sweet dreams
So it happened... It was bound to happen... When I bend forward, after doing a back bend, I grabbed my heals. Sounds like no big deal, right? Well, I could touch my toes... I could just about "kiss" my knees... I just couldn't get a grip on my heals. I would grab the back of my ankles. It still worked, but it wasn't deep enough.
I discovered how Bikram has helped with other physical activity this week. On Sunday, I walked around DC to see the Cherry Blossoms and other Monuments. We had set out for a 3 mile walk around the Tidal Basin, but we ended up doing that and then going over to the World War II memorial, the Reflecting Pool, and the Lincoln Memorial all before walking back to the metro near the Washington Monument. The walk was gorgeous. Gorgeous or not, this walk normally would have left me sore for several days. I hurt that evening, but the next day I felt great! I went to yoga on Monday night as normal and continued my practice as if I hadn't taken the weekend off.
Tuesday morning I went to yoga. It was an amazing class. I got to work as normal and set out for a normal day. I can't tell you if it would have happened the same before yoga... but I can tell you that we had a small contest yesterday at work. We did a call blitz. I called and contacted the most on my team. I had the best response from potential customers. I contribute the success to yoga because it allows me to be focused and have the endurance to sit through two hours of straight dialing. The rest of the day was just as intense, but I was crossing things off the list - not just working in circles.
I say it over and over again - focus, passion, determination, endurance, commitment. If you approach everything you do with these things, you will be successful. The sixth thing that I did not include in this is the ability to learn and adjust. The last thing you want to do is work on something that hard the wrong way. Constantly listen and adjust. Keep the goal in sight. This can be at work, in love, in friendships, or in your Bikram Yoga class. Give it 110%. That level of energy is different every day - but when you leave, know that you did your best that day.
At the end of every class the instructor passes out lavender smelling cold cloths. Lavender has become my aromatherapy for success. At the end of a day filled with accomplishment, I spray my pillow down with a lavender scented pillow spray. When I lay my head down on it, it reminds me of the feeling I have at the end of class. With that, is pure relaxation and a night of uninterrupted sleep. I wish everyone the same each and every day.
I discovered how Bikram has helped with other physical activity this week. On Sunday, I walked around DC to see the Cherry Blossoms and other Monuments. We had set out for a 3 mile walk around the Tidal Basin, but we ended up doing that and then going over to the World War II memorial, the Reflecting Pool, and the Lincoln Memorial all before walking back to the metro near the Washington Monument. The walk was gorgeous. Gorgeous or not, this walk normally would have left me sore for several days. I hurt that evening, but the next day I felt great! I went to yoga on Monday night as normal and continued my practice as if I hadn't taken the weekend off.
Tuesday morning I went to yoga. It was an amazing class. I got to work as normal and set out for a normal day. I can't tell you if it would have happened the same before yoga... but I can tell you that we had a small contest yesterday at work. We did a call blitz. I called and contacted the most on my team. I had the best response from potential customers. I contribute the success to yoga because it allows me to be focused and have the endurance to sit through two hours of straight dialing. The rest of the day was just as intense, but I was crossing things off the list - not just working in circles.
I say it over and over again - focus, passion, determination, endurance, commitment. If you approach everything you do with these things, you will be successful. The sixth thing that I did not include in this is the ability to learn and adjust. The last thing you want to do is work on something that hard the wrong way. Constantly listen and adjust. Keep the goal in sight. This can be at work, in love, in friendships, or in your Bikram Yoga class. Give it 110%. That level of energy is different every day - but when you leave, know that you did your best that day.
At the end of every class the instructor passes out lavender smelling cold cloths. Lavender has become my aromatherapy for success. At the end of a day filled with accomplishment, I spray my pillow down with a lavender scented pillow spray. When I lay my head down on it, it reminds me of the feeling I have at the end of class. With that, is pure relaxation and a night of uninterrupted sleep. I wish everyone the same each and every day.
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